Complainers, Venters & Askholes .. You know what I’m talking about!
The girls & I were just talking about this a bit ago, so very insightful! Thought I would share parts of my conversations forward to you! I know I’m not the only one out there that women come to, when they want to Vent, Complain & Askhole. This is going to be a FUN topic, with lots of perspectives to think about! You can laugh with me, nod your head & sigh too!
You know I’m a cheerleader; that is my superpower!
I love to help, support, cheer & empower other women. In my network marketing biz, or yours! I am one of those crazy ladies who want everyone to succeed! I’m very positively creative, & when another woman comes to talk to me about her struggles, her dreams, her trials, tribulations ALL these ideas & solutions start popping into my head! It’s what I love to do best! It’s just in ME within my massive servant heart & blue-yellow personality.
So Why Are Complainers, Venters & Askholes Important to Talk About?
All my life, I used to feel sick when I was around grumpy people and I never really connected the dots… maybe you guys can relate!
I remember being in family situations where there was a lot of negativity, complainers, venters, & drama. They used to tell the same whining stories, reminisce about struggles, slights, insults, who said what & when. They made it sound as if all this stuff happened yesterday when in reality it had happened 10 years ago! I remember feeling sleepy, get headaches, feel tension, get uncomfortable & just want to get up & leave when I was a kid.
Being around that drama filled negative energy of the complainers, venters without an answer or solution… I discovered that it drained me emotionally & left me mentally feeling pained & fatigued.
Catch & enjoy my deeper insights here in this video;
When a woman comes to you & “they want to talk”, the very first thing that YOU need to do, so you can help them best is: Discover is what kind of person are they? What do they need? What are they looking for from you? When we can answer within some of these questions, we can show up to the table & deliver to their needs.
Lets hop into Venters, Complainers and Askholes:
Shall we start with Venters? We know that every human being needs a safe, sound place & ear to vent to. Within our social circle, it’s likely we know we may have a lot of venters! Sometimes people get frustrated, sometimes they see a behavior / action of another person, situation & they feel the need to vent. In most businesses, network marketing included; it’s most productive when we vent “upwards”. Either you’re praying upwards, or you’re venting to your upline, to a parent, respected mentor, coach or another friend who has a safe sounding ear!
The thing is that is actually healthy to vent!
That releases those pent up worries, fretting, stresses! Often we just need to tell somebody what’s going on in our world & let it go. That friend knows you just need to express, that they’re going to take that “expressing” & help you let it go. They’re not going to burden themselves with that negative energy / your venting. It’s just energy that needs to be let out. Your friend has let it be know to you, that what you’re telling them is SAFE. To have a safe place to vent is a human need!
To be able to have a good cry in a safe place is a human need. So YOU being that person, that’s just part of your role! To be able to take it in, to bounce it off of you. A good person that is accepting of the venting going on, they LISTEN. All your friend needs from you is an ear, nod of our head, to sympathize, validate what they have to say, you’re silent.
It’s actually a pretty cool thing that with the word “listen”, if you mix up the letters, it spells the word SILENT. So listening means that we’re silent. Pretty cool eh?
So if a woman believes in you and trusts in you enough that they tell you they need to vent, congratulations! You know your job! So it’s now easy for you to be that heartfelt ear for them to release it to the world, & get back to their potentially productive happy day! & you can feel great knowing your were their for your friend!
The thing with “Complainers”, this is a little interesting…
When it comes to people that really chronic complainers, it’s their default setting. They often have a tendency to see the negative side of every situation, the glass is always half empty, there is no offered positive solution about anything going on in life & the world. Almost everything is to be complained about!
With complainers we have to recognize that they’re looking for validation, they desire to be seen and be heard. The hardest thing us helpful, servant hearted woman have to remember not to offer them help. That is not what they need. You don’t want to get sucked into this complaining negative vortex!
The best thing you can do is set healthy boundaries & almost never offer help.
The most common is “ time boundaries”. For example, a person comes to you & starts complaining; you can say “Sure I’ve got a few minutes to chat but I have an appointment really soon”. So that person knows they have a limited time, & you planned your “get away” so you’re not being inundated with negative, non solutional complaining.
Offering Help! Yikes, know this; when you’re offering help to a person they might listen but it’s YOU who’s going to do all the work. It’s YOU being mentally tied up away from your day, passions, business & your life.
The sad thing is: The solution you offer up is not going to stick because it’s not their idea!
For example, when a girlfriend told me “My husband keeps telling me that I have to quit smoking”. She would quit and then go back to her habit in a short time. Most of us know smoking isn’t a healthy habit, BUT it wasn’t her idea to quit. Her husband was doing all the work to come up with solutions, support & ideas to help. It didn’t come from a place of reason WHY for herself. So when she struggled & things went wrong in that scenario she kept pointing fingers at him cause it was “his idea” and she tried it and it still didn’t work out.
You can listen for a period of time, but I beg of you DON’T take on their burden because it’s going to weight you & your energy down. It has that ripple effect throughout the whole rest of the day, other engagements, appointments, & other conversations.
What we need to remember, & this is MOST imperative … We’re the light bringers, of light, hope, empowerment, encouragement, & beauty to women’s world so you can’t be taking all those burdens on within.
Time to talk Askholes… We get these all the time too!
We have women that are in our lives, we love them dearly & they’re often asking us what to do! They come to ask, heart in hand, sometimes teary eyed & they’ll ask us a gazillion questions about businesses, about a product or ingredient, biz tips, a food plan, skin care regime, travel destination (you get my drift) … They’re gonna ask all the questions & they’re still going to do what THEY want to do!
So we’ve got to do that sifting, sorting & recognize if you got burned one time by investing a bunch of your time, research, emotions, energy to that person: recognize & remember that fact. Next time, maybe provide them a point of direction where they can do research so your time and energy is not tied up.
As we know, with time & energy comes a lot of woman’s caring hearts. And when a woman comes to me over and over again & I have suggested options, given free coaching, guidance but they’re never the right options I now just give them the tools so they can figure it out their way. Plus it can also be a learning experience as they explore and adventure through their challenges.
Our minds & hearts only have so much time in our day, NONE of us have time & energy for Askholes!
Lessons, Learnings, Tips & Teachable Moments with Complainers, Venters, & Askholes …
ONE : There’s a couple smart questions that we can ask if our friend is in that vent mode & they ask you for help. My way of helping is to actually ask deeper questions cause you know what? Most people have the answer within THEM, and maybe they’re just looking for reassurance, validation & understanding. Our human brain is absolutely amazing so if we ask the right questions, then zip our lips & allow that person let those little creative thoughts start rambling around in our brains, we can help pull the right information that they need to make the right decisions for themselves!
TWO : Sometimes we know what we have to do but we don’t want do it. We are looking for a shortcut or an easier way. I can give my friends the most direct way but people STILL think there has to be a shortcut. A question that I love asking them is “What do you think that you can do to solve the problem?” It puts the responsibility back on them but it indicates that I’m listening to them & thinking about things but I don’t want to come up with the solutions because I’ll be doing all the work so we have to encourage THEM. “What do you like about a situation? What don’t you like? Write all the pro’s & con’s and all the possibilities.”
THREE : I encourage them to think about the smartest person that they can think of; maybe a teacher, a mentor, someone they admire, & I’ll say “Well, what do you think they would do?” It takes the pressure off of themselves. It pulls them back from their struggle of “right here & now” allowing them to think outside the box, an external perspective eye, this third party starts speaking in their minds & you can feel that power coming from within them & the solutions start rolling out. Their ideas! YES!
FOUR : We’re encouraging them to think about the future. Whatever happened yesterday doesn’t matter anymore. Tomorrow doesn’t care what you’re gonna do tomorrow. Today is the day that really matters within ourselves, our decision making, our thinking. We can plan all we want to do tomorrow but we have to focus on the actions of the here, the now looking forward to the tomorrow. Ask them what they really want to happen. It allows them to think about their expected results or expectations.
The world is full of all kinds of people including Venters, Complainers & Askholes. We can be there to empower, enlighten, encourage, support, serve & help our friends, family, & teammates but ultimately the answers they will want to act upon have to come from within THEM. Do it their way. Only then will they be able to reflect upon their actions so they can tweak, amend, adjust and improve what they desire & dream!
So next time someone comes to you; It’s up to you to discover:
Are they a Venter? Do they just need to de-stress?
Are they a chronic Complainer that is going to suck your time and energy?
Or an Askhole that isn’t going to do what you suggest anyway?
I really had much fun with this blog, who would have thought talking about Complainers, Venters & Askholes could be fun haha!! I hope you enjoyed it! Of course if you did, you are welcome to share this forward to a friend in need!
See you on The Sunny Side of Life!
P.S. I often get asked; Roxanne when you are not being a “Cheerleader” in all women’s lives, sharing sparks of joy and insights; what else do you have going on? Well … I have a blooming business within Social Retail 🙂 Don’t know what Social Retail and the power of Social Marketing is? My Sunny Side of Life details can be best explained here; www.roxannelynch.info
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